Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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