My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
