Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
not ubering you a puppy
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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