I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
