Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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