Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
