Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
