i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
