Can i not drive my cunt home
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
