none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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