Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
