you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
