i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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