She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
