Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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