Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
