Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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