I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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