If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
