i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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