fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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