yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
