tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
