turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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