I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he was CRYING into my vagina
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
