did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
