your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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