I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
