You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
