I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
