The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
