Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
