I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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