Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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