If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
