Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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