Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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