it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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