Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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