My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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