My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
