im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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