The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize