Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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