Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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