Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
