God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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