mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
