Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
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