I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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