My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
