I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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