i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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