Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
