I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
