I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
