K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
