I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
