I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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